Learning to Let Go

As I continue through my second month of service I have to admit that I have struggled with my purpose in South Africa.  Questions like “What am I doing here?”, “Is this really what I’m supposed to be doing?”, and “Am I even helping anyone?” have come into my mind on numerous occasions.  As most of my days have been spent at the KwaZamokuhle Diaconic Centre I have, at times, gotten frustrated and worn down by seemingly menial tasks such as peeling more than 1000 carrots with a knife or sitting alone in an office for six hours answering a phone that rings a maximum of 10 times a day.

I had been having a difficult week this week and was talking to a friend and said to him, “Nothing is going my way!” And suddenly I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.  Questions like “What are you thinking?” and “How self-centered can you get?” came into my mind.  Who was I to be thinking that I really had any part in this? It has always been God’s plan and will continue to be His plan.  A few days ago I had even highlighted a part in a book that talks about this very issue.  At the time I thought it was just a good quote but never really thought a lot about what the man in the book was saying.  From the book Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller:  “‘Maybe we’re all on a pilgrimage,’ he says. ‘Maybe we’re all going somewhere. Or really, maybe we are all being taken somewhere… [And] it is whatever God wants it to be.  Maybe we are just supposed to trust that He won’t beat us up when we get there.  Maybe we are just supposed to trust that He is good.’” 

Although some of the things that I have done at the centre aren’t exactly what I would like to be doing, it’s not always about me.  Part of being a servant leader is doing a mixture of both things that need to be done and things that you enjoy doing.  My country coordinator, Brian Konkol, talked to me about this when I was telling him about some of the issues I was facing and he reminded me that Jesus didn’t always get to serve how he wanted to either.  Although Jesus did preach and heal, which he was good at and enjoyed doing, he also had to suffer on the cross in the ultimate act of service. 

As I continue on this journey of accompaniment within this community I am learning to let go of the expectations and preconceptions that I have had for myself for this year of service.  Although there are bound to be tasks that seem mundane they can also be an opportunity for the extraordinary to happen.  As Paul says in his letter to the Romans, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  While there may be times that I do not understand my role, I know that God works for the good and not always for our pleasure.  He has a plan and I am learning to trust it more every day.  As the saying goes, Let go and let God!