The Hardest Goodbye

This week brings back a lot of emotion for me and this post is going to be very personal but I think that in order to make the next year the best it can be I need to work on opening myself up and letting others in so this is a start to that.  Most people know at least some parts of this but not very many people know all of it but here it goes.


One month and two years ago from yesterday my aunt lost a long battle to cancer.  She had battled renal cancer when I was younger but had been in remission for over 15 years when it came back and this time she was not able to fight it off.  For a while it looked promising but then spots were found on her brain and she eventually stopped responding to treatment.  It was hard to see her decline so much at the end but we all have great memories of her.


Exactly one month after that my grandparents on the same side of the family were killed in a car accident.  I'll never forget that day from my pastor showing up at work when I was done to tell me the news to driving down to their place and standing in their empty apartment waiting for my parents to come from the hospital.  It was one of the most surreal experiences I have ever had.  It just seemed so impossible that this had really happened.  My grandparents lived incredible lives and everyone who met them could see what amazing people they were.  The following is a poem that I read at their funeral:

You've been the greatest grandparents since the mornings of our births, 

But now it's time to say goodbye as you leave this Earth.

You left us all so suddenly and now we're feeling sad,

But we'll think about the good times and how much fun we had!

There are so many memories that one person could tell,

So I'll try and keep it short in this small, simple farewell.

You spent a lot of years together and raised a wonderful family,

That you cared about and loved which is easy for all to see.

Then along came your grandchildren who were your pride and joy.

The girls, well they were alright but we know you loved us boys!

I always cherished the farm and the weeks that I would stay

Hunting, fishing and exploring each and every day.

I can't begin to guess how much time Grandpa spent

Putting up the Christmas lights until his heart's content.

I won't forget the tractor rides that you took us on.

And the nights we would play cards until what seemed like dawn.

And now as we look back at your amazing lives

I can't think of a better pair for a husband and a wife.

Everyone that knew you was blessed by your love

And now we feel your warmth as you watch us from above.

I am proud to be the grandson of Gilbert and Carolyn,

Tow truly amazing people who loved until the end.

I hope that I, in turn, can make you proud down here,

And I ask that you will guide me when my path becomes unclear.

The time has come to say goodbye and it's not easy to do.

But we'll see you again Grandpa and Grandma, we love you!

The next seven months was probably the lowest time in my life.  A major part of that was that I had stopped going to church, a place I had always found solace.  It's not so much that I was angry with God at what had happened but I thought he wasn't there.  I saw how hard it was on my family and especially my mom and thought that if He really cares about us and loves me and  my family that there is no way that he could let that happened.  How could a god who is full of compassionate allow such pain to happen?  I thought of all the things that my grandparents would no longer be there for like my college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my kids, etc. and it all felt so unfair.


I was a shell of a person who was trying to go on with life but nothing was like it used to be.  The only people who understood what I was going through was my family but following the deaths I felt that there was a need to be, or at least look, strong in front of them.  None of my friends could really understand the pain that I was feeling and the hurt that was plaguing me. Everything would change on one Sunday morning in January when I was feeling especially low.  


Somehow I came across a video on the internet from the Nooma series by Rob Bell called Matthew. I suggest that everyone who has ever lost someone should watch it. (Click here to watch.) He talks about dealing with death and the struggles that come with losing a loved one.  Everything he said seemed to resonate with exactly how I had been and was feeling.  I watched the 15 minute video at least four times that morning and just sat there crying.  I realized that I had been wasting my life for the past several months and the person that I was being was not the life that my grandparents would have wanted me to be living.  Instead of honoring their lives by my actions I was consumed by grief and bitterness.  I needed to change.


"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again." --Psalm 71: 20

May Update

I see I haven't posted anything on here in a while so I thought I would just give a quick life update.


I graduated from UNL on May 7th which was a very exciting day.  I know a lot of people don't walk to get their diploma but it was something that was important for me to do as an ending to my four years of college.  There are a lot of things that I am going to miss about being a student in Nebraska but I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life.


For three weeks after that I continued working at Elliott elementary school doing the before and after school program through the YMCA.  Last Friday was my last day there and although the kids have definitely been a challenge it was sad to say goodbye to some of them.  I will especially miss the people that I worked with but hopefully I will still see them around.


I played in a sand volleyball tournament a couple of weekends ago and the morning play was terrible.  It had rained a lot the day before so the courts were covered in standing water and we were just playing really bad.  We didn't win a single match during pool play and ended up as the 10 seed out of 15 teams for the tournament.  The first two matches both went to 3 sets but we came out on top both times. Then we won the next match in 2 sets but they both went above 25 points.  We were playing the first seed team in the finals and we won pretty easily which was really exciting! We couldn't believe that we went from playing so bad to actually winning but we did it and we won some money so that made it that much better!


The rest of this summer I will be working at a summer camp that is run by the campus recreation center.  They do a lot of fun activities and I get paid to play things like kickball, dodgeball, and laser tag so it should be a good summer!


I think that's it now but I'll catch ya on the flip side!