One month and two years ago from yesterday my aunt lost a long battle to cancer. She had battled renal cancer when I was younger but had been in remission for over 15 years when it came back and this time she was not able to fight it off. For a while it looked promising but then spots were found on her brain and she eventually stopped responding to treatment. It was hard to see her decline so much at the end but we all have great memories of her.
Exactly one month after that my grandparents on the same side of the family were killed in a car accident. I'll never forget that day from my pastor showing up at work when I was done to tell me the news to driving down to their place and standing in their empty apartment waiting for my parents to come from the hospital. It was one of the most surreal experiences I have ever had. It just seemed so impossible that this had really happened. My grandparents lived incredible lives and everyone who met them could see what amazing people they were. The following is a poem that I read at their funeral:
You've been the greatest grandparents since the mornings of our births,
But now it's time to say goodbye as you leave this Earth.
You left us all so suddenly and now we're feeling sad,
But we'll think about the good times and how much fun we had!
There are so many memories that one person could tell,
So I'll try and keep it short in this small, simple farewell.
You spent a lot of years together and raised a wonderful family,
That you cared about and loved which is easy for all to see.
Then along came your grandchildren who were your pride and joy.
The girls, well they were alright but we know you loved us boys!
I always cherished the farm and the weeks that I would stay
Hunting, fishing and exploring each and every day.
I can't begin to guess how much time Grandpa spent
Putting up the Christmas lights until his heart's content.
I won't forget the tractor rides that you took us on.
And the nights we would play cards until what seemed like dawn.
And now as we look back at your amazing lives
I can't think of a better pair for a husband and a wife.
Everyone that knew you was blessed by your love
And now we feel your warmth as you watch us from above.
I am proud to be the grandson of Gilbert and Carolyn,
Tow truly amazing people who loved until the end.
I hope that I, in turn, can make you proud down here,
And I ask that you will guide me when my path becomes unclear.
The time has come to say goodbye and it's not easy to do.
But we'll see you again Grandpa and Grandma, we love you!
The next seven months was probably the lowest time in my life. A major part of that was that I had stopped going to church, a place I had always found solace. It's not so much that I was angry with God at what had happened but I thought he wasn't there. I saw how hard it was on my family and especially my mom and thought that if He really cares about us and loves me and my family that there is no way that he could let that happened. How could a god who is full of compassionate allow such pain to happen? I thought of all the things that my grandparents would no longer be there for like my college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my kids, etc. and it all felt so unfair.
I was a shell of a person who was trying to go on with life but nothing was like it used to be. The only people who understood what I was going through was my family but following the deaths I felt that there was a need to be, or at least look, strong in front of them. None of my friends could really understand the pain that I was feeling and the hurt that was plaguing me. Everything would change on one Sunday morning in January when I was feeling especially low.
Somehow I came across a video on the internet from the Nooma series by Rob Bell called Matthew. I suggest that everyone who has ever lost someone should watch it. (Click here to watch.) He talks about dealing with death and the struggles that come with losing a loved one. Everything he said seemed to resonate with exactly how I had been and was feeling. I watched the 15 minute video at least four times that morning and just sat there crying. I realized that I had been wasting my life for the past several months and the person that I was being was not the life that my grandparents would have wanted me to be living. Instead of honoring their lives by my actions I was consumed by grief and bitterness. I needed to change.
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again." --Psalm 71: 20
No comments:
Post a Comment