Learning to Let Go

As I continue through my second month of service I have to admit that I have struggled with my purpose in South Africa.  Questions like “What am I doing here?”, “Is this really what I’m supposed to be doing?”, and “Am I even helping anyone?” have come into my mind on numerous occasions.  As most of my days have been spent at the KwaZamokuhle Diaconic Centre I have, at times, gotten frustrated and worn down by seemingly menial tasks such as peeling more than 1000 carrots with a knife or sitting alone in an office for six hours answering a phone that rings a maximum of 10 times a day.

I had been having a difficult week this week and was talking to a friend and said to him, “Nothing is going my way!” And suddenly I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.  Questions like “What are you thinking?” and “How self-centered can you get?” came into my mind.  Who was I to be thinking that I really had any part in this? It has always been God’s plan and will continue to be His plan.  A few days ago I had even highlighted a part in a book that talks about this very issue.  At the time I thought it was just a good quote but never really thought a lot about what the man in the book was saying.  From the book Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller:  “‘Maybe we’re all on a pilgrimage,’ he says. ‘Maybe we’re all going somewhere. Or really, maybe we are all being taken somewhere… [And] it is whatever God wants it to be.  Maybe we are just supposed to trust that He won’t beat us up when we get there.  Maybe we are just supposed to trust that He is good.’” 

Although some of the things that I have done at the centre aren’t exactly what I would like to be doing, it’s not always about me.  Part of being a servant leader is doing a mixture of both things that need to be done and things that you enjoy doing.  My country coordinator, Brian Konkol, talked to me about this when I was telling him about some of the issues I was facing and he reminded me that Jesus didn’t always get to serve how he wanted to either.  Although Jesus did preach and heal, which he was good at and enjoyed doing, he also had to suffer on the cross in the ultimate act of service. 

As I continue on this journey of accompaniment within this community I am learning to let go of the expectations and preconceptions that I have had for myself for this year of service.  Although there are bound to be tasks that seem mundane they can also be an opportunity for the extraordinary to happen.  As Paul says in his letter to the Romans, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  While there may be times that I do not understand my role, I know that God works for the good and not always for our pleasure.  He has a plan and I am learning to trust it more every day.  As the saying goes, Let go and let God!

Shoulder to Shoulder

It is crazy for me to think that almost a month ago I was riding my first kombe to get to my site.  I am starting to adjust to things much better than the first week and people are warming up to me a lot more which is awesome!

I am sorry that I have not updated more often but I have had problems with the internet here and the store in town has not been very helpful in getting me what I needed.  So I took matters into my own hands and took a kombe to Pietermaritzburg today to get what I needed and now that I have somewhat better internet access I will hopefully be able to give you all more updates.  I also got to spend some time with the Konkols (my country coordinators) which was great!

I am still spending my weekdays working at the KwaZamokuhle Centre and doing whatever needs to be done.  The receptionist has been on holiday for the past month so I have learned to do most of the book work and handling orders for wafers that come in.  I also package the order and help take them into town on Wednesdays.   I am hoping to teach them how to use Excel on the computer so that their system of ordering and tracking payments can be more efficient.  

Two weeks ago, however, there was a group staying at the conference center so I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen which included helping with cooking and doing a lot of dishes.  It reminded me of the good ol’ days helping with meals at church!  The best part was that I took the time to have Goodness start teaching me Zulu so I have been able to learn some of the language.  She was teaching me more of just words or phrases so I am still trying to figure out subject-verb agreements and sentence structure but I am sure that will come together in time.

I have really gotten to enjoy going to church even if I can’t understand anything that is being said.  I bought one of the hymn books that everyone uses so I can sing along.  It only lists the song number and the words but there is no music.  But there are always people who just know the tune of the song and start singing it and they sound so good!  And if they don’t know it they act like they do and make up their own melody.  They also do everything straight from the Liturgy in the book so it is pretty easy to follow along and somewhat understand what is going on.

Two Sundays ago was extra special because the reverend of the parish, Reverend Xaba, was being installed.  It was a very big celebration and the church was full of people from all the churches in the area.  I had been warned that it could be a long day so I made sure to eat a big breakfast.  The service was very, very traditional with full robes and acolytes and incense and the whole nine yards.  The actual church service wasn’t too long though and only lasted a little more than three hours.  Then they had a special celebration where different groups from within the parish (women’s league, youth league, etc.) would bring welcome gifts and present them to the pastor and his family. 

It started with people bringing in two queen sized mattresses and box springs and laying them at the front of the church and then women made the beds with new sheets and blankets and then had the family lay in them.  It was one of the most interesting things I have seen in a church service for sure!  Then for the next two hours different groups would enter the church singing a song and present a gift or gifts to the pastor and his family.  There were a lot of presents too: electric kettles, microwave, new shirt and tie, briefcases, flour, laundry detergent, a DVD home theatre system, printer, blankets, a sheep.  And all of these gifts were just placed right in front of the family in the front of the church.   Although a very new thing for me, it was a very cool thing to see this celebration because everyone was so excited for it and there was a lot of joy filling the place!

This past week was a lot of them same with me doing projects around the Centre.  They still had files and documents that were dated in the 90s and earlier so I was very willing to help get rid of those to make things more organized.  (It also meant that I got to build a big fire which is always fun!)  I also witnessed my first chicken slaughter.  I was actually very impressed with how efficient the entire process was and one worker had 20 chickens cleaned and in the freezer in only a couple of hours.  I have talked to Reverend Xaba and Ms. Constance about visiting the schools next week once the receptionist has returned so I am hoping that I am able to find things there that I can help with.  I will keep you all updated!  I also received a package from my parents on Monday which made for a great way to start the week!  The Husker flag looks great in my flat and the Sour Patch Kids tastes amazing! =)

As my first month of service here is wrapping up I have a lot of anticipation and excitement to see what the coming months.  My prayer is that God will continue to show me the areas where my gifts can be used in this community and in the lives of these people.  I am I so humbled and blessed by the kind words that people have sent me and the prayers that are being said for me.  So thank you to everyone who is watching out for me!

“This isn’t so others can take it easy while you sweat it out.  No, you’re shoulder to shoulder with them all the way, your surplus matching their deficit, their surplus matching your deficit.  The goal is equality.  As it is written: Nothing left over to the one with the most, nothing lacking to the one with the least.”     

2 Corinthians 8:13-15

A Life of Ubuntu

Well I’ve made it through my first week at my site and it has been an adventure.  It all started with my kombe ride from Pietermaritzburg to the town near my site, Estcourt.  It just so happened that Monday was pension day so the town was filled with people.  The taxi rank area in Estcourt is an entire square block parking lot that is surrounded by small market shops and then store buildings.  As we pulled up I began to get nervous thinking about how I was going to find my host, Ms. Constance, in the middle of the seemingly chaotic market area with two huge bags but I didn’t have much choice. (Mom if you are reading this you might want to skip the next two paragraphs)

Of course the van parked right in the center, too.  I grabbed my bags and walked as quickly as I could towards the buildings hoping that if I put my duffel bag down to call Ms. Constance that I would be able to block it from being taken.  I got ahold of her but she said someone else from the center was picking me up and in a location a couple of blocks away.  I was thinking to myself, “How am I going to carry these bags around these people to a place that I don’t even know for sure where.”  Just then a woman came out of a grocery store and told me that I needed to get inside quickly because she overheard some men saying that they were going to try and take my bags.  (On a side note, I don’t want anyone to read this and think that South African people are bad because the truth is that muggings happen everywhere.  I was definitely a prime target for it and luckily there were some people watching out for me!)

Needless to say I quickly grabbed my stuff and went inside, recalled Ms. Constance, and had my ride pick me up at the grocery store.  Although my heart was beating out of my chest I was so thankful for the help and had a nice talk with the manager of the store who was very accommodating and friendly.  My ride, Goodness, brought the truck near the store so that I could put my bags in.  We then continued to run a few errands.  Like I said previously, it was a busy day in town so there were lines everywhere we went.  Unfortunately for me the back hatch of the pickup does not lock so this meant that I had to stay in the truck while Goodness ran her errands.  It wouldn’t have been too bad but the passenger side window was broken too so it got quite hot in there.  Finally after nearly two hours of errands it was time to make the short 10 minute ride from town to the center.

The KwaZamokuhle Diaconic Centre is a part of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in South Africa and has many community projects that it assists with.  Some of these include making communion wafers that are shipped around the globe, arts and crafts that are made in the more rural areas and then sold, a sewing center and a computer center to teach people new skills, and several large gardens. 

The day starts at 8 with prayers in the chapel and ends around 4.  It is dark by 6:30 so it has been a challenge keeping myself entertained at night.  I often fall asleep before 9pm but then wake up before 6am. I spent a lot of this past week packaging boxes of communion wafers in the morning and then taking them into town in the afternoon.  Who knew my gift packaging training at Bed Bath and Beyond would come in handy here?! I also typed a few letters for Ms. Constance, the manager of the center, on a computer that ran Windows 98. Talk about old school!  Most of my time is spent following around Goodness and going with her into town to run errands.  Although the town is close it always takes several hours when we are there but it is nice to just listen to the things that Goodness has to say.

There isn’t much going on at the center on the weekends and not very many workers live on site so I am mostly on my own.  On Saturday I took a kombe into town just to explore and buy a few things.  (I am still working on getting reliable internet but the one store that seems to carry what I need is out right now but hopefully they will have them soon.)  The town was pretty busy but it was nice to just walk around and see the different shops and stores. 

Then on Sunday everyone goes to church.  The closest church to me is only a 15 minute walk away which isn’t bad at all.  It is supposed to start at 9 but it didn’t actually start until 9:20.  When I arrived at 8:50 there were only three people in the church, including myself.  Church services tend to be much longer (2-3 hours or more) here, especially if it is Communion Sunday.  The sermon usually takes half an hour and offering can take upwards of 30 minutes but there is a lot of singing and dancing during it which makes it exciting.

There has been a lot of adjusting to get used to and all the quiet time at night gives me a lot of time to think (and a lot of time to be homesick).  I am sure it will get better as time goes on and I meet more people in the community.  I know that the site I am at is not an easy place to be but I know that I have a lot of people supporting me and I am comforted by that.  In Africa there is a word that is used to express a sense of community and solidarity.  The word, Ubuntu, is often translated as “I am because we are.” In essence, I am who I am because of all the people in my life.  So to everyone reading this who has been there to support me and love me and cheer me on, words cannot express how grateful I am for you!

 I hope you all are doing well and I love you! 

“And I will live to carry Your compassion, to love a world that’s broken, to be Your hands and feet.  And I will live with the live that I’ve been given and go beyond religion to see the world be changed.  By the power of Your name.” –Lincoln Brewster, “Power of Your Name”

Remain True to the Mystery

If I was in the United States right now I would have the day off for Labor Day.  However, my day tomorrow will be anything but relaxing.  After months of preparation and hours of orientation I stand on the edge of a new adventure.  Tomorrow morning I will be heading to my placement site at Kwazamokuhle Center near Estcourt in the KwaZulu-Natal province.  I wish I knew what was in store for me but I definitely have more questions than answers right now.  I do know how I am getting there, however, which might be the most important part for now. 

My host is not able to come to Pietermaritzburg and pick me up so I will be travelling to Estcourt by kombi.  For those who don’t know, kombis are a staple of public transportation throughout much of the African continent.  They are basically taxi vans that pick you up on the side of the road and go from one place to another.  However, they don’t leave until they are full so you can sometimes be left waiting for quite a while.  Luckily for me I think I will be taking a bus that goes straight to Estcourt and I won’t have to change rides at some point.  Brian, my country coordinator, will be going to the stop with me to see me off which is a relief since I haven’t learned the proper hand signals yet to make sure I go the right way.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous for what is ahead.  Don’t get me wrong—I’m very excited but there is just so much unknown right now that I definitely have some fears.  Following a week of orientation I don’t know if I have any more answers but maybe more questions. It has been a great opportunity for us to bond as a group but it is also going to make it much harder to say goodbye to everyone as we head to our separate placement sites. We have had a mixture of both fun activities and educational activities that have helped us become acquainted with some of the things South Africa will offer.  As Pastor Brian says we are “disorienting” ourselves before this experience starts. 

This picture is at Bisley Nature Preserve near PMB.

This picture is from a hike we took on the outside of town. Some really great views!

I am ready and willing for what comes ahead and I hope that you will follow my journey and share in my struggles and triumphs, my sadness and joy.  There are sure to be a lot of exciting things happening so I will try to update when I can.  For now I leave you with a passage from the book “Through Painted Deserts” by Donald Miller.  I came across it again this week and it has helped to me to realize that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

This past week I have been in Chicago staying in a dorm at the University of Chicago campus while doing training at the Lutheran School of Theology just a few blocks away.  It’s been a really great experience and saying goodbye to 38 other YAGMs who are starting their journey also has been tough but I know that they are going to do great things this year in their places of service!  This week has really made me think about a lot of things that could happen this year and I just wanted to share some of my thoughts/feelings with you before I leave tomorrow.

We had some free time this week and did some fun things like eat at an African restaurant where I had oxtail. 

And we went to a Cubs game!

On the first day of training sessions, Heidi (the amazing woman who runs the YAGM show), read a poem called “Passover Remembered” and there was one part that really stuck out to me.

Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings that even your closest friends will have to learn your features as though for the first time. Some of you will not change at all. Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth who feel abandoned by you.

This scares me so much.  I often find myself worrying about the future and what it will be like when I come back.  I have had feelings of guilt at times thinking about leaving some things behind.  I am afraid that some might think that I will no longer be with them to help when they need a hand.   I know my family has been so supportive of me throughout this whole process but there is a part of me that feels like I am leaving them even though things aren’t perfect.  I feel like I am leaving some of my friends out there too who I hang out with all the time. Do they feel like I’m abandoning them? How much am I going to miss out on? What will my friendships be like when I return?  These questions run through my mind like wildfire and, although I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing, the possible answers still scare me.

Another thing that really made me think this week was the idea of starting over in my new country.  As Americans we identify ourselves with things like our jobs, degrees, or education.  That is who we are and is often very important to us (as it should be).  However, in South Africa the things that I thought helped define me won’t matter.  People won’t know or care about University of Nebraska or the fact that they gave me a piece of paper saying I got a degree.  It is a daunting idea that I am so new and unknown but it is also an exciting opportunity to start fresh and be as authentic as possible.

Well, I leave tomorrow for South Africa by way of Frankfurt, Germany and it still seems kind of surreal.  Is this day really here?  Although it will be hard to be away for so long I am ready for the challenge and await the journey ahead with great anticipation. I think that I am truly ready for it and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be this year. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.


Because we will be travelling for 36 hours and then have a week of orientation in-country before I get to my site I don’t know when I will be able to update again but I will when I can!  I love you all and thank you so much for your support!

The End of Summer

So it's been a few months since I've posted and I was thinking it was time so here it is.  
This summer has gone by so fast and I don't know how I feel about that.  Below are some things that have happened in the past two months to catch you up:

• Got 2nd place in a 4x4 sand volleyball tournament where we had to win through the loser's bracket against really tough teams!
• Won a 6x6 sand volleyball tournament that wasn't that competitive but we won some good money.
• I moved to a new place for at the beginning of July that I will soon be moving out of...
• Won a gold medal playing indoor volleyball for the Cornhusker State Games!

• Spent a weekend in Kansas City at Worlds of Fun with some good friends!

• I finally decided to start "playing" ultimate Frisbee for real this summer.  Most of the people I know have played for years and I've resisted playing for the last three years but it actually wasn't too bad and we won the league which was awesome!

• I gave a presentation for my year of service at church one weekend in June and I was so humbled by how generous people were in their donations and support of me. God is so good!

The next week and a half are jam-packed with stuff.  Tomorrow my parents are having an open house so people can wish me luck before I go. I think it will be a weird feeling saying goodbye so we'll see how it goes.  It will be nice to see a lot of people though!

Then some friends and I are going to Chicago for a few days and coming back on Thursday.  Then I am in a friend's wedding on Friday and the rehearsal is Thursday night. I leave for a week of training in Chicago the next Wednesday and then Africa after that! I have a feeling it's going to come really fast.

I'm going to end with a song by FFH called Follow Love that I seems to fit perfectly for my year of service:

You can listen to the song here and see the lyrics below.

I'm gonna miss this simple town full of memories
I'm gonna miss just hanging out with all my friends
The rainy days and summer nights
Skipping stones by the river side
But i know.. its time to go


So here's goodbye here's so long
I must go and follow love
I feel my heart moving on
I must go and follow love
Carry on while I'm gone
This is what I've been dreaming of
I'll miss you so
But i must go, go and follow love


I've got a heart that's full of dreams and a little bit of crazy
I can feel it pulling me to somewhere I have never been
I'm packing up and leaving home
To travel into the great unknown
It's time, I have to go


So here's goodbye here's so long
I must go and follow love
I feel my heart moving on
I must go and follow love
Carry on while I'm gone
This is what I've been dreaming of
I'll miss you so
But i must go, go and follow love


We're not guaranteed tomorrow
So we must just keep on living for today
and make the most of every moment
every step along the way


So here's goodbye here's so long
I must go and follow love
I feel my heart moving on
I must go and follow love
Carry on while I'm gone
This is what I've been dreaming of
I'll miss you so
But i must go, go and follow love

The Hardest Goodbye

This week brings back a lot of emotion for me and this post is going to be very personal but I think that in order to make the next year the best it can be I need to work on opening myself up and letting others in so this is a start to that.  Most people know at least some parts of this but not very many people know all of it but here it goes.


One month and two years ago from yesterday my aunt lost a long battle to cancer.  She had battled renal cancer when I was younger but had been in remission for over 15 years when it came back and this time she was not able to fight it off.  For a while it looked promising but then spots were found on her brain and she eventually stopped responding to treatment.  It was hard to see her decline so much at the end but we all have great memories of her.


Exactly one month after that my grandparents on the same side of the family were killed in a car accident.  I'll never forget that day from my pastor showing up at work when I was done to tell me the news to driving down to their place and standing in their empty apartment waiting for my parents to come from the hospital.  It was one of the most surreal experiences I have ever had.  It just seemed so impossible that this had really happened.  My grandparents lived incredible lives and everyone who met them could see what amazing people they were.  The following is a poem that I read at their funeral:

You've been the greatest grandparents since the mornings of our births, 

But now it's time to say goodbye as you leave this Earth.

You left us all so suddenly and now we're feeling sad,

But we'll think about the good times and how much fun we had!

There are so many memories that one person could tell,

So I'll try and keep it short in this small, simple farewell.

You spent a lot of years together and raised a wonderful family,

That you cared about and loved which is easy for all to see.

Then along came your grandchildren who were your pride and joy.

The girls, well they were alright but we know you loved us boys!

I always cherished the farm and the weeks that I would stay

Hunting, fishing and exploring each and every day.

I can't begin to guess how much time Grandpa spent

Putting up the Christmas lights until his heart's content.

I won't forget the tractor rides that you took us on.

And the nights we would play cards until what seemed like dawn.

And now as we look back at your amazing lives

I can't think of a better pair for a husband and a wife.

Everyone that knew you was blessed by your love

And now we feel your warmth as you watch us from above.

I am proud to be the grandson of Gilbert and Carolyn,

Tow truly amazing people who loved until the end.

I hope that I, in turn, can make you proud down here,

And I ask that you will guide me when my path becomes unclear.

The time has come to say goodbye and it's not easy to do.

But we'll see you again Grandpa and Grandma, we love you!

The next seven months was probably the lowest time in my life.  A major part of that was that I had stopped going to church, a place I had always found solace.  It's not so much that I was angry with God at what had happened but I thought he wasn't there.  I saw how hard it was on my family and especially my mom and thought that if He really cares about us and loves me and  my family that there is no way that he could let that happened.  How could a god who is full of compassionate allow such pain to happen?  I thought of all the things that my grandparents would no longer be there for like my college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my kids, etc. and it all felt so unfair.


I was a shell of a person who was trying to go on with life but nothing was like it used to be.  The only people who understood what I was going through was my family but following the deaths I felt that there was a need to be, or at least look, strong in front of them.  None of my friends could really understand the pain that I was feeling and the hurt that was plaguing me. Everything would change on one Sunday morning in January when I was feeling especially low.  


Somehow I came across a video on the internet from the Nooma series by Rob Bell called Matthew. I suggest that everyone who has ever lost someone should watch it. (Click here to watch.) He talks about dealing with death and the struggles that come with losing a loved one.  Everything he said seemed to resonate with exactly how I had been and was feeling.  I watched the 15 minute video at least four times that morning and just sat there crying.  I realized that I had been wasting my life for the past several months and the person that I was being was not the life that my grandparents would have wanted me to be living.  Instead of honoring their lives by my actions I was consumed by grief and bitterness.  I needed to change.


"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again." --Psalm 71: 20